well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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