i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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