I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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