Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
