I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
