why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you mean i was at the winter classic?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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