sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So vagazzling was a success
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
