Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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