I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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