I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
