Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
