I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
