He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
