he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
