A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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