i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
