I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
