if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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