Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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