giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
