Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
