we made out on top of his cat.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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