It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
