I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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