he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
