do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
