Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
