Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize