forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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