Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
