I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
