the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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