Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
