A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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