how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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