I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
