Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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