Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
