I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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