I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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