My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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