Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
