I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
