the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize