You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
