Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
