Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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