naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
