My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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