I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
