I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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