Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
