1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize