What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
