I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
