You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
