I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
